As Tears Roll By

The crying part of leaving has started.

To be honest I'm surprised that it took this long to really kick in, but it's now here in full effect and I don't think it's in any danger of going away for these last 17 days.

As I say, though, it took a while to come. There's been a few goodbyes at work with people going on holiday and missing my final days, and on Friday I took the opportunity of a quiet moment to clear out my desk. Not a tear shed.

Saturday afternoon I also said goodbye to one of the teams I've been working with for the last couple of years, and nary shed a drop. On Saturday night my two best friends from university came to stay. We went out for dinner and then danced into the wee-small hours, followed by a chilled morning of brunch and watching (bizarrely) High School Musical. When they said goodbye there was a sniff and a small tear, but nothing major...

Then last night at dinner mum finally crumbled. Having prided herself on keeping it all in for months, she was cross at being the first one to crack, but crack she did and she took me with her.

With the tears have come some real revelations. I know that in trying not to be in a state of grief for the entire last three months I've actively suppressed any big 'leaving' feelings for a long time. Just last week I described feeling somewhat numb - like I'd stepped into the boat along time ago and was now simply along for the ride - but now every sinew has woken up and joined the chorus - I'm really really going to miss my family.

This is something I've had to explain to mum. I'm not choosing to leave them - I'd take them all with me if I could - but in the same way as mum knows she can't choose my life, I can't choose theirs. I see that life is easier if your family is near - particularly for those with children. I see what I'm going to miss living apart from them, and not even a long drive away, an ocean away. It's a big big thing.

I also realise that, as much as I've wanted to move to my new city for a long time, I know now for certain that if it were not for my love I wouldn't have the strength to leave my family.